Torn: Self Portrait

It has been a while. And seem to be a perpetual cycle.

I am torn, tied up, broken.

And I will rebuild.

2012

2011 had been a really difficult year. It marked the end of a very long and arduous 6 year law/arts degree, a year filled with thoughts of the future, about careers and goals and the purpose of life. It marked the recovery of my health after being physically ill and the return to medication with the realization that it is alright to get help. I finished my four year position as publicity director at the go club, having made many firm and some very close friends. My love for photography grew notwithstanding the setbacks and disappointments and aggravating situations, I learned to be more confident, more self assured and happier with myself. I now appreciate food, looking forward to dinner dates and cook outs at my apartment. The relationship with my family has grown slightly less fraught, I learned to negotiate and speak my mind and be less quick to anger. I decorated the apartment, it now feels more like home. I went to Laos, climbing into little boats, accidentally biting into a voracious chili and did not get kidnapped. i joined the gym and sort of enjoy going. There is no more fast food in the diet, no kfc or burgers and a drastic cut down on soda. I went up on a helicopter. Sang my heart out at karaoke. Still getting scratched by the cat.

So what awaits in 2012? Traveling to exciting new lands. Meeting wonderful people. Creating more photographic work. Starting legal training. Finding work. Growing up. Teaching Sammy to be nicer. Seeing foreign films. Dreaming about bigger and better things and achieving them. Learning to be at peace.

There is so much out there to be discovered and explored and yearned for. I can’t wait =)

Thank you to all the very lovely people who have supported me on my journey thus far. You have been invaluable, irreplaceable and I am so lucky to know you, and continue to do so. Here’s to 2012.

A spot of wall art

I’m not big into decorating, mainly because most places I’ve stayed at haven’t felt like home. Even the house I lived in for 14 years I wasn’t allowed to touch, or even choose the wall colour (I was however allowed to choose the bathroom colour, a lovely salmon pink)

My Melbourne apartment is reaching its fourth year. For the most part it is white, black with a spot of orange with clinical lights and even more clinical objects. In April I got into gear and did this, which has expanded a little and gotten a fair few positive comments. Then I ran into this blog, a humourous, insightful account by a young architect artist living in Shanghai, whose street art is so inspiring I immediately went ‘holy cr*p have I been living under a rock??’.

A few days later I dragged my friend Anna along and from this post, I did this

which lead to

and voila

My own room with its sakura (branches) and paper flowers. Thank you Hong Yi for such a pretty concept, and to Anna for all your help =)

Days

There would be days when I would feel so down, so depressed and so unmotivated because all I could think about is the future and all the maybes I may be letting go. There would be days where I would be trying so hard and something comes along pushing me back 5 steps like a gale through a wind tunnel, forcing me to struggle and catch my breathe. I was raised not to depend on anyone because anything I could achieve I could do it by myself and there comes the realization that adulthood is a maze, a blockade of people and ambition and I could no longer do it all.

I could not have known two years ago that photography could be so heart breaking, it has become an obsession. I want to live my life creating beautiful images, showing there is something bright and lovely in all the darkness I see every day. There are the strings and the tangles, all the no, and no, and no and then I hesitate. I doubt. I am imperfect. Where is my future? I do not know.

Framing

I did a little decoration around the house a little while ago. I’ve been here for about three years and never really felt at home, I moved into a shell and it remained empty with my things sort of in little places. A quick trip to Ikea fixed it up, I now have some of my work up the walls, and a new rug on the sofa and I think I need to make another trip for some lively plants. It’ll be perfect and quite within budget.